


La Fin D'Une Liaison

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-28
Updated: 2005-12-18
Packaged: 2018-12-27 05:36:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12074550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian has pushed Justin away and Justin continues to struggle with the loss.  A tortured psychological fiction noir from a debuting writer from France, who submits this via a ghost writer.  She asks that you please give your feedback, keeping in mind this is a virgin offering.   Merci!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I’m a jealous man.  
I measure love by the extent of my jealousy. Thus, my jealousy is infinite.  
Now it has turned to hate. Hate is the only thing I feel now. I know my friends and family think it’s a depression and that with help, I’ll get over it, that I just have to move on, start a new life. But that is not the way I do things.  
   
Hate is all I have left. The only thing I still feel and all that reminds me I’m alive.  
   
So tonight, like every other night, I find myself taking the same walk we used to take together. And as I lift my head, I stare up at the windows of the loft.  
The lights are on and he is probably there having a drink, smoking, spending a quiet evening at home.  He doesn’t go out as often as he used to do.  Most of the time, he comes home directly from work.  He comes rarely to the diner with the guys and he has deserted Babylon.  
   
Maybe he is hurt too, and hides his pain. But no, I’m smarter than that. Knowing him, there just might be someone else there with him.  
   
The lights switch off and I think he must be taking a shower before sleeping.  
I picture the water cascading along his beautiful body. His head thrown back, eyes closed, enjoying the warmth. I hate the water that goes into every recess of his body. Even when we used to shower together, I couldn’t get close enough; I wanted to melt into him.  
I hate the clothes that caressed his body all day long. I hate the shoes that took him from me.  
   
But as I said, I’m a jealous man.  
           
   
-         “Justin?”  
   
Fuck. I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t hear him approach.  
   
-         “Hey Michael.”  
-            
-         “What are you doing here?”  
-            
-         “Taking in some fresh air.  Is that forbidden?”  
-            
-         “Bullshit.  Justin, you really have to stop doing this.”  
-            
-         “Doing what, Mikey?”  
-            
-         “Brian has been clear. It’s over.”  
-            
-         “And that makes you so happy, doesn’t it? After all, it’s all you ever dreamed about!”  
-            
-         “Please, Justin, don’t start this again. You know I like you and...”  
-            
-         “You like me!!!! You’ve always hated me, envied me and what and Brian have!”  
-            
-         “Had.”  
-            
I feel like he has just slapped me.  
   
-         “What you and Brian had, Justin. It’s been over for nearly a year now, you have to move on.”  
-            
I look at him, speechless.  Like I had to be reminded.  Eleven months, two weeks and three days.  
   
-         “Justin, answer me!”  
-            
I just stare at him.  He shifts uncomfortably.  No one seems to look me in the eyes anymore.  My eyes that used to be so expressively full of love and passion are now just like ice.  There’s no life in them anymore.  I’ve noticed how uncomfortable people get when I make eye contact.  Even Daphne is reluctant to look me in the eye.  I guess she’s afraid of what she sees in them, or rather, of what she doesn’t see anymore.  
   
So, like everybody else, Michael just turns his head and leaves me there in front of the loft in the coldness of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

" Brian hasn’t been to Babylon or the bath for a long time now, and he won’t go to the diner either more than once or twice a week !" Daphne informs me.

****

I’m looking through the window, a cold rain is falling. There are a few people on the street walking fast. I suppose most of them are in ahurry to go back home, to the warmth of their homes, to the person who will be there waiting for them.…

"Justin !"

I turn to face Daphne.

"Jus, have you been listening to me?"

"Sure **,** Daph."

She pauses, looking at me. I just want her to go and leave me to my thoughts and the sound of the falling rain.

"I’m so worried about you **,** Jus."

"Why ?"

"Look at you, damnit ! You look like shit and you’ve closed yourself offfrom everyone **,** even from me!"

I hear the hurt in her voice and I know I should say something, but words won’t just come out.

"We could hang on together like we used to, maybe have a drink or dance like crazy at Babylon? It could be fun, just the two of us like old times!" 

"I’m sorry, I just can’t go there; there’re so many memories.…" 

"Fine **,** let’s go somewhere else. You want new memories **,** go build some new ones!"

I turn from herand look through the window again. She comes behind me and leans her head on my shoulder.

"I know how much you’re hurt. I know. But I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. Please come back I know you can, you’ll love again and…."

"Never."

She embraces me with her arms taking me close; I don’t hear her cry but just feel her tears on my neck. We stand like that and I lose track of time while I’m lost in the rain again.

...........................................................................

__

"Do you love me?"

__

"Don’t start again."

__

"Why don’t you love me?"

__

"That’s bullshit , you know exactly how I feel about you .Why are you doing this again?"

__

"What if I sleep with someone else?"

__

"I want you to be happy **.** "

__

"You would **.** "

__

"Would what?"

__

"Want me to sleep with someone else."

__

"I never said I would! What the fuck is going on with you tonight?"

__

"You say it like it means nothing."

__

"You mean everything to me **,** Justin."

__

"So you love me."

__

"You already know the answer."

__

"How much."

__

"Fuck Justin, do you want me to get crazy or what?"

__

"How much."

__

"I won’t answer that, it’s stupid. What’s your point?"

__

"Do you love me more than the guy you fucked last night?"

__

"Ok, I’ve got it. Now stop, we won’t go anywhere...."

__

"More than the hundreds, oh excuse me, more than the thousands of guys you fucked before?"

__

"That’s enough!"

__

"It’s not. Do you want me to tell you how much I love you?"

__

"No."

__

"I love you so much that it hurts, you’re my world, you’re the air I breathe."

__

"Stop!"

__

"You’re all I need, all I want, nothing matters...."

__

"I said STOP!"

__

He pushed me roughly onto the bed, coming right after me and closing my mouth with hismouth **.** He fisted my hair roughly, biting my lips, kissing me so hard that I started to struggle because of the lack of air and because of the pain.

He only broke contact for a few seconds to tear away my clothes. Then he attacked my swollen lips again. I heard the familiar sound of the condom packet being opened and then he was already on me again, making me cryout loudly from mixed pain and pleasure.

He fucked me furiously that night **,** all the while biting me, kissing me and just repeating again and again " _stop it, stop it, stop it."_


	3. Chapter 3

Finally, after weeks of Dapne begging me to spend more time with her, I agreed to go to Babylon. During the whole ride to the club, she just couldn’t hide her happiness and talked non-stop.

"Please, Daph would you just slow down. You’re going to give me such a strong headache that I don’t think that I’ll make it into Babylon!"

She immediately got a worried look back on her face.

" I’m so sorry, Jus! It’s just that I’m so happy we’re hanging out tonight like the old days."

"That’s ok, Daph. Just give me a rest before the the ‘thumpa thumpa’ takes over from you."

She laughs and it sends shivers through me. It has been so long since I’ve heard her laugh. She has always been there by my side and I know how sad and worried I have made her.

So, tonight at least, I’ ve decided that I have to put her and our friendship first and push my pain aside, if only for a few hours.

I also want to get lost again in the trance of the dance. I need to feel wanted again. I crave the feel of a strong body grinding against mine; Babylon is exactly the cure I need.

Daphne and I have dance happily together, losing track of time. That’s the magic of clubs, isn’t it? Getting lost in the music and the heat of the crowd?

At some time, we have to order something to drink before becoming totally dehydrated. We drink a few beers, chatting happily like we used to do. After a while, I start to turn my attention back to the dancing crowd. Daphne leans on me.

"Why don’t you go have some fun on your own? I think I need a little rest for now; my feet are almost bleeding!"

I know exactly what she means. After I kiss her cheek, I go back to the dance floor.

This time, I check the crowd to find the perfect nameless trick of the night. 

That’s when the air changes; barely noticable, but I know he is there without actually seeing him. I start to retreat to the bar to tell Daphne that we are leaving. Unfortunately, Emmett spots me first.

"Hey sweetie! What are you doing here? It’s been such a long time without seeing you!"

He immediately pulls me into a tight hug. I glance behind his shoulders and see Ted, Michael and Brian following closely. I extract myself from Emmett’s embrace.

"It’s nice to see you too, Em."

Ted smiles at me apologetically. He feels my discomfort, well aware of that feeling so often himself.

" Hey Justin, nice to see you."

" Nice to see you, too, Ted."

Michael looks at me angrily.

" Justin, I already told you last night..." I cut Michael’s comment off.

"Not that it’s any of your business, Michael, but I came here to spend some time with my best friend. If I ever thought you guys would come here tonight I never would have come here," I snap back at him.

That’s when I finally look at Brian. He is just staring at me, never saying a word. Emmett comes to the rescue and tells Ted and me to have a drink at the bar, where they immediately greet Daphne. Of course, Michael takes care to keep Brian on the dance floor with him. I just can’t take my eyes off him. It ‘s the closest we’ve ever been in months. It takes no time for a guy to approach him, slipping a few words in his ears. Brian smiles and answers something back. In a matter of seconds I feel the cold anger building in me. 

I turn back from the dance floor and order a shot. I down it immediatly, waving for another one just after I’ve finished it.

I ‘m on my fourth when Emmett touches my shoulder.

"Don’t you think you’ve had enough, honey?"

"Fuck off, Em, none of your business."

I don’t want any of them to speak to me. So I just head to the backroom where there won’t be any questions. I need that more than ever.

I go slowly into that dark place looking for an empty spot. I find one and lean on the wall. I feel someone looking at me. Tall, well-build, short dark hair, I nod at him. He comes to me and I push him onto his knees.

He smiles briefly at me before opening my fly. When he takes me in his mouth I let a deep sigh escape from my mouth. I close my eyes enjoying the moment. But as soon as I have my eyes closed I see "him" again smiling to that man on the dance floor. I shot my eyes open and grab my trick roughly by the shoulder. He looks at me puzzled. I make him stand up and put his face to the wall. I unbelt his pants and slide his briefs down. I prepare him quickly and not very gently. I need to find some relief. I put on the condom; in one single hard thrust, I enter him. He cries out loudly and I pause to let him catch his breath. Then I start to fuck him roughly. We both come hard. I rest my forehead between his shoulders; my body a little shaken by the intensity of my orgasm. I pull out of him and discard the condomn. I start to put my pants on and I’m astonished to see Brian staring at me just a few feet away. Our eyes stay locked while I dress myself. His face is unreadable and I wonder how long he has been there looking at us. I head toward the exit and while approching him, coldly ask, "I hope you enjoyed the show?"

I go back to the bar, where I find an anxious Daphne.

" Are you ok, Jus? "

"Peachy!"

I order a few more shots. Between exhaustion and the tension of the evening, I feel like I’m ready to pass out. I try to stay still up on my feet but I lose my balance and almost fall to the floor. I’m caught by strong harms.

"Let me help you."

" Fuck you, Brian. Just let me go."

I try to push his hand off of me but he maintains his grip. Daphne immediately comes to my rescue.

" Brian, it’s ok I’m gonna take him home now."

" And how do you think you’re going to be able to carry him, first to your car and afterwards to his apartment?"

She looks at him speechless.

"I’ll take him back to the loft. Don’t worry I’ll take him home tomorrow morning. I just want to be sure he is going to be ok, tonight. Okay?"

She looks at him hesitantly before answering. "Okay. But call me as soon as he wakes up tomorrow morning."

"Sure."

I am too worn out to even try to protest while he carries me to his car. I don’t even notice the ride as I fall into a deep sleep the instant my head hits the leather seat.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up feeling a little bit bewildered. I have this strong headache and my mouth feels dry. I can barely open my eyes but I don’t have to open them to know where I am. His smell is everywhere in the sheets. Intoxicating.

I touch his side of the bed and find it cold. There’s no sound. I open my eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the light. I lean my ellbow on the bed to get a better view of the place.

I see him through the panels. He’s on the couch drinking coffee.

" Coffee’s ready, Justin. Just help yourself."

I’m startled. He must have been waiting for me to wake up for a long time.

I slowly sit up. 

"Thanks. Would you mind if I take a shower first?"

"Sure. You know where to find anything you need."

I pull the sheets off of me and realize that I’m naked. He must have undressed me before putting me in bed. And even if we know each other’s body intimately, I suddenly feel ill at ease, exposed.

I look at him once again, and he’s still staring at me through the panels. It reminds me of this stupid twink he once brought home so many years ago. I’m so angry to have made a fool of myself yesterday. I was even too wasted to go home with Daph. I’m so fucking stupid!

I stand up and angrily pivot every panel so he can have a clear view of the bedroom.

I face him and we stare at each other. His eyes roam over my body and the sight turns me on.

I’m hard.

I let my hand travel down my chest to my stomach. I pause and we lock eyes once again. He stays perfectly still but I know him so well that I catch a glimpse of the cup of coffee shaking.

Well, that’s good. Payback is a bitch and I don’t plan to make it easy for him.

I let my hand reach its goal and I stroke it slowly. I smirk at him and head to the shower, leaving the door wide open.

The heat of the water overwhelms me. It helps me to relax from last night and from the tension of being here again. I rinse my hair and lean my head back to let the water fall on my face. I wipe the drops from my face and open my eyes _._ I was sure he would be there. I approach the pane of the shower door and put both of my hands on it. I trace the contours of his body on it, almost as though I were making a chalk outline on a sidewalk, marking where the body has been. 

I lick a drop of water from the glass and then place my mouth against it. I blow some air and form a halo of condensation.

He approaches the glass . His eyes are almost dark as he puts a hand on the glass; making his own tracing, outlining my face, then sliding his hand further down. I turn my back on him, leaning on the glass, pressing my ass against it.

I turn my head to the side to make eye contact. 

We had plenty of showers together. But never before had it seemed so desperate and needy.

I face him again and put my mouth on the glass. He puts his finger on the glass circling all around it. I thrust my hips, faster now. He looks at my hand and then back at my eyes. He mouths to me "cum." I feel myself close to the edge and I shoot hard against the glass.

It leaves me shuddering. I close my eyes and try to recapture my breath. When I open my eyes he is gone.

I rinse myself quickly, dry off and put the towel around my waist. I go to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.

Brian is on the couch smoking a cigarette. 

"So tell me Brian, when did you become a ‘voyeur’?" I ask coldly.

He laughs slightly.

" I’ve always loved to look at you, Justin."

"Too bad you’re seeing me so little these days then."

"Love doesn’t end just because we don’t see each other."

I’m petrified. Has he just talked about "love"? I gulp and my voice is shaky with emotion.

"But...why did you leave me then? I mean, what reasons did you have ?"

"None." He almost whispers. "But how could I have explained to you what made no sense for me...?" He looks so hurt, so lost that I can’t help myself from taking him in my arms. I hold him tightly and put my forehead on his cheek.

"Anything that scares you, we can work on it together. We have faced so much already. My father, the bashing, cancer, the bomb…."

In an instant, I sense his body tense. He pulls from my embrace and stands up. He goes to the bathroom and before locking the door, he just tells me in a strange voice " I’ll be right back, just give me a few minutes."

Minutes go on and he’s still locked in the bathroom. He doesn’t make any sound in there and I resist the urge to pound at the door. Instead, I collect my clothes and start to dress.

I have only my pants to put on when someone knocks at the door.

"Uh, Brian?" He doesn’t answer. "Brian, were you expecting someone...?" As soon as it has escaped my mouth, I’m reminded about those painful days when there was always "someone" else at that door.

I tear the door open and come face to face with a man who looks very surprised to see me. It’s like a never-ending nightmare. How many times have I opened this door to face his tricks and seen their disdainful glances at me.

At least, this one looks more surprised than cocky.

"Brian’s not here?" He asks me hesitantly.

I don’t make a move to allow him to enter.

"Who are you?" I ask back.

"Brian’s a friend."

I laugh at him.

" And what kind of friend, may I ask?"

" Not the kind you’re thinking, Justin."

As soon as he says my name, I stop laughing. 

"How the fuck do you know who I am?" 

" I know all about you."

"No shit."

I look at him closely; he vaguely reminds me of someone. I must have seen him somewhere.…That’s when it hits me and I start to laugh almost hysterically.

Then I ask him, my voice full of wickedness. "Tell me, Father, don’t you get enough at the Bath?"

He doesn’t even blink. 

"You must enlighten me, Father. Aren’t you bound by vows of chastity?"

 

Suddenly we are both startled when we hear Brian’s voice call out, "Justin!" Then he comes to the door and allows him to enter.

" I’m so sorry about that…."

"It’s ok, Brian. There is no problem at all."

I feel betrayed once again by Brian’s demeanour. How can he humiliate me like that in front of that fucking hypocrite? I just want to be out of here as soon as humanly possible. I just don’t want to break down in front of them. I immediatly go to the bedroom and finish dressing fast. I grab my backpack and throw in briefs and socks from last night . That’s when I spot on Brian’s nightstand a black leather book. I’ve never noticed it before. Without a second thought, I put it in my bag too. 

I almost run to the door as Brian tries to hold me back. I just say with all the control I still have, "don’t. Don’t even try to touch me."

He steps back and I rush past him without a last glance.

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

I enter my room and throw my backpack on the bed. I could shout from anger and frustration. But I just let myself slide down the wall to the floor. I take my head into my hands clutching my hair with my fists. I pull as hard as I can. I want to hurt myself. Maybe if I can feel the pain physically, it won’t still hurt that much inside. 

How stupid I was, thinking that maybe he stilled love me. I feel the tears coming and I smack the back of my head hard against the wall. I shut my eyes and clench my teeth. I hit my head over and over again; finally, I feel the tears rolling down uncontrollably from the pain.

I stay like that for a while. I just can’t move. What will I do now? What am I supposed to do now that it’s clear that we’ll never be together again?

I let my eyes wander to the bed. I look at my backpack and suddenly I stand up. I go over to it and pull it open. I sit on the bed and open it. A diary; Brian’s diary. In all the time we’d been together, I never knew he had one. If I can’t get answers from him, maybe his diary will give me some. I eagerly start to read. 

__

" Sometimes I get tired of trying to convince him that I love him and shall love him forever. 

__

He pounces on my words and twists them. No matter how hard I try to show him how much I care, it’s never enough. Sometimes I think I’ll always fail in my attempts to make him happy".

__

I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. What have I done? I flip through the pages. He mostly writes about me. How his life changed since I came into it. All the bad memories and the good ones are there and it makes me go from laughter to tears. And then something makes me gasp.

" _He was dead._ __

We were at Babylon that night, having some fun with the guys. Everything was so perfect then. I’d just left him to order us some drinks and that’s when it happened.

__

This sound so loud I thought Id end up deaf. There was this sudden flash of light and then nothing. Just confusion, blackness and moans of pain everywhere. As I stood up, I immediatly started to look for Justin. I was walking as in a nightmare, trying not to step on crumpled bodies. And then, I spotted a flash of blond hair. I ran to him and fell on my knees. I carefully turned his face to me. He had blood on his hair and neck. And I was thinking ‘no, no, not again!’

__

I was touching him afraid of hurting him more. I was talking to him, asking him to open his eyes. But he wasn’t breathing anymore and his body was lifeless. Whatever it was that was him, was gone. 

__

I stood up and went outside the club. I never believed in prayer but that night, it came out of me instinctively. I felt on my knees sobbing.

__

‘Please don’t let him die. Don’t take him. I’ll give him up forever and I’ll never see him again if that is what you want, but please let him live.’

__

I was still praying and talking almost nonsense when I heard him calling for me. I turned to look at him. He was looking so scared, so fragile. I would have take him in my arms, held him tightly just to be sure he was really there. But I couldn’t move. I was feeling like stone. He asked me, "Brian, what are you doing?" And I answered him, ‘praying.’

__

He looked confused, "praying to what?" 

__

As if I knew then. ‘To anything that might exist.’

__

I saw the hurt in his face and the total incomprehension.

__

‘Why weren’t you with me, there...?’

__

 

__

But I knew what I had to do. The minute I saw him alive again, I was sure that nothing in this world would have sense for me again. But I only told him the factual things. 

__

‘I tried to wake you up, but I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do.’ 

__

It was so hard to look at that beautiful tortured face. It had taken all my willpower not to take him into my arms. But they are some promises you just can’t break."

__

I close up the diary. How can I have been so blind? I have been so wrong all this time, thinking it was because of a lack of love. 

I rush towards the door. And in no time, I’m beside his door, pounding on it and crying for him to open it.

"Brian! Brian, open this door!"

The door slides open. We look at each other. I hand him his diary. He takes it without a word and doesn’t even seem surprised. He steps back and motions for me to enter. He goes to take a seat on the sofa and just stares at his diary. I sit besides him and leave a little distance between us. Then he sighs and cautiously puts the diary on the table.

We remain silent. But it’s not an uncomfortable silence. It’s the kind of silence that only intimate people can share. The one that says, "your presence is enough to reassure me." 

And then, after a while, he starts to speak quietly.

"It’s an irony, isn’t it? I fell into ‘belief,’ into ‘faith,’ like I fell in love." He takes a breath before continuing.

"I tried to fight it…." He shoots me a glance and I can see a little spark of mockery quickly replaced by sadness.

"But I had no fight left."

I put my hands on his, squeeze it and hold tight. He doesn’t pull it back. And we stay like that without looking at each other. I stroke his hand, silently encouraging him to go on.

" You know, at first, I was devasted. Even having to open my eyes every morning was too much pain. Losing you again was just too hard. And then, I thought that maybe that was how it was supposed to work. He was emptying me of everything and then he’d filled that emptiness."

He lets go of my hand and heads toward the windows. He looks at the multitude of lights that shine in the night. When he talks again it’s almost in a whisper.

"But I’m so tired now. I’m so tired of being without him and just because of You."

I understand he isn’t addressing me now and it kind of scares me. I don’t want to lose the contact. I go behind him and wrap my arms around him. He has to know that I’m here with him; that I won’t go anywhere. He doesn’t fight back. He just leans on me. It’s like holding a drowning man. I pull him into a tighter embrace and tell him softly " I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Brian."

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

  
Author's notes: Thank you Mary, you have helped me more than youâ€™ll ever know by answering all of my indiscreet questions. Your patience and kindness have no limits. Thanks to my two dearest friends who were kind enough to post this story for me.  
And Donna, I would do this all over again just to have the pleasure to work with you one more time. Merci !!!  


* * *

All the days that proceeded from then have been just like a dream. Most of the time we are just talking. Holding each other, caressing, making love, oblivious to the outside world, to time....

It’s just us, rediscovering each other again. Brian always has been the kind of man who expresses his feelings without the need of words. And surely what he has showed me these days is a complete surrender of his feelings towards me. But as much as I’m happy that we’re back together, I feel that something has changed.

One night, after a long lovemaking session, while we lay face to face, I ask him. 

“ So, have we broken the spell? We’re together and nothing bad has happened.”

“ Yeah, nothing.”

“Then there’s nothing to be afraid of? ” 

He looks at me lovingly and only takes me in his arms, holding me tightly. And right at this moment, I know for sure that I’ve never been so happy in my life. Moments like this make you think that everything is perfect, that everything is just the way it always should be. But nothing ever lasts. Not for us.

I don’t remember exactly when I realised what was going on. And it’s not like Brian was hiding it from me, like the first time. I think that I was just so scared that everything we had right now could come to an end that I was pushing every sign aside; although it was impossible to miss them. I saw him becoming more and more tired. Losing weight. And, of course, I take notice of all of his appointments with his doctor. 

But I guess I wasn’t ready to face it. I wanted to stay in my imaginary perfect world a little longer. He knew it and gave me all the time I needed. 

******************************************  
One night, I come home and find him resting on the bed. His face seems unrealy pale and while I look at him, really look at him, I’m astonished to see how thin he is. I sit near him and lightly brush some hair from his face. He opens his eyes and smiles at me tiredly.

“Hey Sunshine.”

“I’m ready.”

He looks at me kind of relieved.

“ Is it worse than the last time? What can we expect?”

“A month, maybe two.”

I shut my eyes and put my hands on my ears. It feels like I just received a punch in the stomach. I feel him taking me in his arms. And even with his tired body he tries to give me some strength, murmuring words of love. I finally let go and sob for a long time on his chest. And when exhaustion overtakes me, I can’t cry anymore.

When I speak, my voice breaks a little.

“You always win don’t you?”

He arches an eyebrow at me.

“I’ve always wanted to be the first to go, so that you would take care of everything and you would deal with Deb....” 

He laughs at that and within a minute I join him and laugh as well. 

And it’s good. But it hurts so damn much.

*****************************************

It’s been three weeks now and he practically never leaves the bed anymore. He’s asleep most of the time. I’ve refused the nurse his doctor has suggested. I want to take care of him myself and make the most of the little time we have left. I’m fully concentrated on my canvas when I hear someone knocking at the door. I go to open it quickly so as not to wake Brian. I come face to face with someone I wasn’t expecting. Father Tom.

“What can I do for you, Father?”

“I’d like to speak to Brian.”

“I’m afraid it won’t be possible. He doesn’t want to be disturbed right now.”

“I haven’t seen or heard from him for weeks. Justin, what’s going on?”

“That not any of your business, Father. Just go. Go help whoever think he needs you. Brian doesn’t. I’m here for him.”

Then I close the door on him. I go back to my painting and I notice that Brian is awake.

He is sitting up on the bed. 

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s ok. It’s not like if I’m lacking sleep, anyway. Who was it at the door?”

“A delivery man with a wrong address.”  
I go back to my canvas. Just when I think he might be asleep again, I hear him say:

“It wasn’t a delivery man, was it?”

I turn to look at him. We stare at each other. I turn back to my work without answering.  
It wasn’t a question, after all.

***************************************

I think I felt it. The minute he stopped breathing, I felt it. I was there painting and I just stopped. I’ve cleaned all my brushes, covered the canvas, turned off the lights and gone to the bedroom.

I’ve lain down with him, encircling his fragile body with my arms, resting my head on his shoulder.

So finally, you have taken him. I wanted him for a lifetime, but you have taken him from me.  
I’m not sure I can live in a world where he’s gone.  
I hate you, God, as though as you had existed.

****************************************

It always amazes me to see how much you can discover about someone from possessions. I’ve had to make a choice from all the things of what I want to keep from him. And I’m really surprised to find so many pictures of us, of Gus, his friends.... I also find some tickets from movies we went to together, restaurant receipts, cards. Every little thing I find there bringing to my mind all these moments we’ve shared. 

A clearing of throat takes me out my reverie. I turn to face Debbie.

“Sorry to interrupt you, Sunshine, but Father Tom is here and would like to speak to you.”

Damn, this man certainly knows how to always come at the wrong time. I close the box where I have put all these precious memories.

He waits for me sitting on the sofa beside Deb. I really don’t want to have a nice conversation with him. So I ask him, straight to the point “ What are you here for Father?”

He doesn’t seem surprised at all by my harsh tone. 

“ I wanted to offer you my help with the burial, Justin. I could arrange a Catholic burial.”

“No fucking way. Brian wasn’t Catholic.”

“ I think you’re wrong, Justin. Brian had changed a lot and he was a good man....”

“He was never a good man He was a cold selfish bastard and a fucking whore ” I shout at him making Debbie jump slightly from her seat.

“Justin, Sunshine, calm down, honey ”  
“Let him rave.”

This time I roar at him.

“ Don’t give me your fucking pity, Father Keep it for your confessional.”

He smiles briefly at me.

“You can find me there anytime you want, Justin.”

“ I don’t need you,” I spat at him. “I’m not Brian.”

“I know when a man is in pain and....”

“ I’m not in pain Father. I’m in hate. I’m in hate for him to believe in this bullshit and make us both miserable. I hate you and your imaginary God because you took him away from me.”   
I’m panting from rage now. He stands up visibly shaken from my outburst.

“I’m sorry, Justin....”

“Sorrys are bullshit,” I cut him off. I watch him leaving the loft and I know for sure it will be the last time  
After he left, Debbie spoke quietly to me. 

Sunshine, you know you don't really believe that. No matter what he did, Brian was a good man. 

I know that Deb, shit, I have reason to know that more than anybody alive or dead. I just couldn't take that hypocritical bastard coming in here and acting like he was doing us or Brian some favor to bury him with all the other hypocrits, the people who reject our kind of people. I'll have his beautiful body cremated, and spread his ashes somewhere beautiful, somewhere free. 

He would have liked that, Sunshine. Then she gave me one of her bonecrushing hugs. But for once I didn't try to break free before she was ready to let go.

 

*******************************************

I left for New York and rented a small apartment. I carried my precious box with me even if I know that it will be time before I open it again. For a long time, all that was left in me was hate.

But now, I’m tired of hating. I sometimes think you used it to win my acknowledgment. You certainly have some twisted ways of imposing yourself. I have only one prayer left. Dear God, forget about me. Look after Brian. But leave me alone. Forever.


End file.
